19 Lessons My Mother Taught Me | Happy Birthday, Amma!

Amma and I while visiting the Harvard Art Museums in 2019. Picture credit: Achan

Today (November 21), is a very special day in my family. It marks the day my mom, or Amma as I call her, was born. Amma's birthday is a favorite day of mine as it gives those who love her, including myself, one more reason to appreciate her and shower her with affection as she does with us. During others' birthdays, Amma spares no effort to ensure that they feel loved and cared for by making custom birthday cards, sending gifts and food, and singing a special rendering of the classic "Happy Birthday" tune (I often chime in for a duet). However, when it comes to her own birthday, she insists that those around her should limit the gifts and surprises, especially those that are material in nature. Although it's a selfless thought on Amma's end, I can't help myself but to still get the gifts and figure out ways to put my love for Amma in the spotlight for the whole world to see.

I used to love writing Amma letters from when I was a kid. In fact, there were a few times when I would be staying the night at my grandparents' home during my vacation and I would handwrite letters addressed to Amma that I would send via post. Appuppan (my grandfather) would help me seal and stamp the envelopes and have them promptly dropped off at the nearest mailbox. The funniest part of it all is that the address I had to send the letters to is literally a two-minute drive from my grandparents' place! Most likely I would be right next to Amma at home when she receives the letter a few days later. What were in those letters, you ask? Well, the recurring themes are the same - me trying to put into words how much I love my mom, when in reality, it's hard to do so accurately with so few words in the dictionary. I can proudly say that the best (and only) love letters I've written are to my Amma! :)

So, when I was thinking of what special thing I could do for Amma's birthday this year, I thought I'd do something a little different. Rather than writing another letter to Amma expressing how much I love her, I figured I would spend some time reflecting on why I love her, especially in relation to what she has taught me over the years.

I like to believe that the success of a parent lies not in purely how their children turn out as adults, but rather in what values the parent attempted to showcase through their own actions and the lessons they have passed onto their children. There is no guarantee that a child will follow every guideline or uphold every value their parents share with them. However, I think that parents who demonstrate those values through their actions and take time to share lessons to be learned with their children are more likely to have kids who feel more secure and confident. Although I cannot be the judge of what kind of child or person I am, I can definitely say that both my parents have done this with me. Since Amma has been at home with me all these years raising me, I think she has surely had to spend a lot of time helping me grow in these ways.

As of this year, Amma and I have spent nineteen birthdays together! Although it's not one of those "special" sounding numbers, I believe each year is a gift and all birthdays should be celebrated with equal gratitude and excitement, regardless of age. In light of this, I thought of thinking about 19 things that I have learned from Amma. Of course, there are way more than nineteen things that Amma has cumulatively taught me over the years. But, in the interest of time and to use the number of years we've lived together, I think 19 lessons will offer a good mix of content for you to read through!

Before we dive in, I would like to point out that these are not ordered in terms of importance and encompass lessons useful for all kinds of situations. I would also like to emphasize that I have not mastered all these lessons and still have a long way to go! However, over the last nearly two decades, I have gotten a solid understanding of the nature of these lessons as I have watched Amma in action and I have spent time trying to apply them to my life. With those disclaimers out of the way, here are 19 lessons I've learned from my Amma.

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1. Saying thank you during prayers

Prayers have such an interesting existence in the world. They are a unique blend of hopes, dreams, and requests balancing the confidence one gets with strong faith and the uncertainty of what the future holds. Religion is just one component of this, as someone doesn't need to practice any particular religion to understand that some things are out of human control. It's only natural to have desires we sometimes are unsure if we can fulfill without the help of a higher, unknown force. Keeping this in mind, one often notices some people who only remember to pray in times of difficulty seeking assistance. Although tough times usually call for prayers, especially when the outcome is highly dependent on luck/fate, people often forget to incorporate gratitude into their prayers. This is something that Amma has shared with me.

Remember a time when you were praying for something that you now have or a situation that worked out as you prayed it would. It's good practice to say thank you for those moments while praying. Prayers don't just have to be about the future or uncertainty. A prayer that starts with a thank you for all the things that have panned out nicely is definitely superior to prayers that only come into existence when there is a problem! I hold this lesson close to my heart. Sometimes I feel compelled to pray for my upcoming exams or some other need, and while I do so, I remember to say thank you for the past prayers that have been fulfilled and the blessings in my life. This act also brings the positive aspects of one's life to centerstage, making us feel more whole.

2. Observing the world around you

When I was a kid and we would go on road trips, Amma would always encourage me to spend time looking out the window. A seemingly simple task is actually so much more meaningful. In times when everyone is glued onto screens, we sometimes forget to take stock of the environments we travel through. Even when outside a moving vehicle, the idea of making observations about the world around is important. Seeing, experiencing, and reflecting on things firsthand instead of through the pixels on a handheld device is a beautiful feeling. Amma is always observing the people, places, animals, and things around her. Although I am not nearly as good at this, I do see great value in spending time exploring the world around me. Sometimes we both share comments about the observations we make. From watching the way people around me move in a crowd to noticing the small changes in nature, I try to consciously spend more time looking at how the world operates while I am in it. These skills are what make us human and I am grateful to Amma for making me see things the way I do.

3. Choosing words wisely

We've heard the idea of choosing words wisely commonly. Oftentimes, we are taught it in the context of clear, effective, and fair communication with those around us. But, what Amma has taught me is that with each word we utter and frankly each thought we think, we are not just communicating with people but also the universe around us. You might have heard of this idea in books like The Alchemist or The Secret. Amma instilled this message in me from an early age. It is important to be as positive as possible and not wish harm in any situation. What we say and think become a reality, so in order to be in control of one's reality to the best possible degree, it's best to choose the words (and thoughts) wisely and carefully.

4. Consuming media healthily and mindfully

The world we currently live in is one where we are constantly being bombarded with media. From the messages that reach our smartphones to the plethora of streaming platforms that we consume, there is no end to the media we interact with on a daily basis. Although we gain the benefits of so much knowledge at our fingertips due to this, it also means that we are more prone to being affected by all of this information. At times, there might be factual errors present in the content or it may be created in an emotionally manipulative way. As citizens of the digital world, we must stay aware of this. Amma has always fostered my relationship with media in this way. Sometimes, even when I feel swayed by an article or a movie, Amma encourages me to make informed conclusions after digging deeper. In general, it's important to not be biased when consuming media. If we only expose ourselves to content that boosts our existing beliefs, we may never understand the other side of the issue at hand. This is the notion of confirmation bias. Over the years, Amma has prioritized not using media to promote confirmation bias, which I am grateful to learn from.

5. Valuing the small things

Simple pleasures are often the best ones. Amma taught me the value of the small yet big gifts in life. From being able to drink hot soup on a snowy day to walking into an air-conditioned room after being in the sweltering heat, there are so many seemingly basic things in our lives that are truly blessings. Just yesterday, we saw some hibiscus flowers in full bloom in our small garden and we were filled with joy. Amma has taught me that once we open our eyes to these tiny but vital features in our lives, we are bound to be more satisfied with the reality we experience.

6. Loving music across languages and genres

Amma is the main reason I've been exposed to music from all over the world. Arabic, Spanish, French, Hindi, Tamil, Malayalam - you name it and there's at least one song on Amma's playlist that somehow meets the category at hand. Through the beats and rhythms of these songs from many different countries, we get the opportunity to experience multiple cultures. Listening to music is a sensory experience that has the power to transport us to different places. When you broaden your taste in music, you get access to a key that can open so many new doors. I am happy that Amma has fostered my eclectic taste in music, as it is one of the many frequent reminders I get that the world is a small and diversely beautiful place.

7. Cooking with success

Amma is my most favorite chef! She puts so much effort into the food she makes for our family, cooking dishes from different cuisines and creating delicious meals even using some of the limited ingredient selections in some places we've lived in. In addition, Amma has nurtured the skill of cooking in me from when I was a kid. From imitating Amma when she cooks using the toy fruits and vegetables in my cooking range playset to assisting her with tasks like prepping ingredients and flipping dosas, Amma always placed importance on developing an interest in cooking. According to Amma, it's essential that everyone, regardless of gender or identity, has the basic skills necessary to be a self-sufficient individual. Cooking is an important part of this and I am glad Amma encouraged me to do this at an early age so that I can use the skill now. She taught me the basics of scouting for the right recipe, the importance of following recipes, and also leaving room to make creative modifications when necessary. In the last several years, when I started to cook dishes by myself, I found this knowledge to be super helpful!

8. Making (and bedazzling) handwritten cards

Remember when I mentioned the handwritten notes I write for Amma? Well, that's actually something I learned from Amma too. As a kid, Amma would always include me when writing birthday cards for family members. Rather than just writing the customary "Happy Birthday, [insert name]!", Amma would go above and beyond to include signature artwork like hearts, tulips, and other symbols. I learned a great deal watching and assisting her. In fact, to this day, I follow the same pattern in how I draw my hearts, butterflies, and so many other things. So, if you were to just look at the artwork of a card made by 6 year-old Ananyaa versus now, they would pretty much look the same! But, even though the artwork hasn't been innovated upon, the thought is the same - to try to add a personal touch to the cards. Amma has taught me to make an effort to send handwritten thank you cards and other cards whenever possible, as they make a deeper impact due to how tangible it is. Overall, in times when the notion of handwritten cards has been replaced by text messages and emails, it's wonderful to keep this tradition (and art) alive.

9. Appreciating beautiful spaces

Amma is a person who loves architecture and design. If you have a look at our library, you will see numerous books on classical architecture, interior design, and art. Due to her interest in these topics, she is constantly observing the spaces around her. When Amma comes across a beautiful structure of any kind, she takes the time to appreciate it. Although I didn't realize its value at first, I have started to notice these details as well. A well-positioned mirror or accents that add vibrance to a room - there are so many easy-to-miss details that make a beautiful space what it is. Amma has also taught me that spaces around you provide experiences as you interact with the area. In order to fully savor those experiences, one must appreciate the details and beauty that exist around them while in that space.

10. Reaching out to people

As we move through the path of life with all its twists and turns, we often might forget to check-in with people we know. Amma has taught me the importance of reaching out to people, even if you aren't very close to them on a daily basis. I have seen Amma mark the birthdays of most of the people she knows (and their family members too at times) in her diary. She rarely fails to reach out to them with a wish. I've found this to be a great way to connect with people at least once a year! Even if it is through a simple birthday wish, it's great to let people know you are thinking about them. You never know when someone needs the feeling of being cared about to brighten their day. I try to do this with the people I know as well. By reaching out on birthdays or just with a quick text when I think of them randomly, I am able to positively impact their lives through a simple deed. These actions are what make our role in humanity more meaningful and I am glad Amma has shared the value of it with me!

11. Forgiving, but not necessarily forgetting

Most of us would have heard the phrase "forgive and forget" at some point or the other. It encourages us to heal by offering forgiveness and spending little to no time thinking about the issue as a way to move on from it. Throughout my childhood, I've heard Amma's version of it, which is to forgive, but not necessarily forget. I really like this way of thinking as it promotes the idea that forgiveness is important but if we forget, we might not learn from the situation and history might repeat itself in the future. In that case, we would just be putting ourselves through the same pain over and over again. So, don't forget. Remember what happened and think of ways to avoid such a situation again. That is not all in one person's hands but it is better to make sense of what happened and keep its place as a memory. Sure, it's best not to frequently revisit memories of difficult circumstances. But, forgetting everything is not only difficult but also leaves little room for growth moving forward. I am thankful that Amma has taught me to think this way so that I am equipped to overcome challenging or hurtful situations without being naïve.

12. Respecting others, regardless of age

Respecting elders is an idea that we are all accustomed to hearing about. I think it is very important to respect elders and Amma has raised me to believe this as well. However, it is also important to note that the amount of respect someone should get does not and should not have a directly proportional relationship with age. All beings deserve respect and it is important to ensure you are giving and getting the required amount of respect in any circumstance. Amma has taught me that even the smallest of children deserve the same respect their adult parents do. Whether it is the way you talk to them or in terms of respecting personal space, we are all entitled to respect no matter how old we are. Respect doesn't mean blindly agreeing to everything one says in a way that is pretentious. For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum, a parent shouldn't simply equate respect to giving into what the child is asking for, especially if it's an unreasonable request. True respect is much more than that. Amma has made me understand that respect is about valuing the fact that our unique experiences shape us and we must let each other grow in our own ways.

13. Forging strong lifelong connections

In the age of AI and other technological advancements, we often must wonder what skills set humans aside from our computerized counterparts. When simple clicks and keystrokes can solve complex mathematical equations and source information quicker than our brains can, it's sometimes hard to think of the USP humans have to offer. I think the answer lies in our ability to form relationships and networks. Amma has shown me the beauty and benefits of being able to form strong bonds with individuals in her life. Whether it be the friends she has had since school or keeping family ties (both immediate and extended) close, she is always nurturing those relationships in ways we can only do as humans. Seeing this, I am always trying to make connections in meaningful ways with the people around me. While I capitalize on the efficiency of technology to do so whenever I can, I also love the charm of walking into a room full of people and striking up a conversation with someone about interests. I find a lot of joy in hearing about people's stories and finding common themes in our experiences. By doing this, I can create the foundation for strong connections. Now, when it comes to ensuring that they are "lifelong," one must refer back to lesson #10: reaching out to people. Through a combination of creating new connections and keeping in touch, Amma has demonstrated how to leverage the human skills of communication and emotional awareness to form deeper relationships.

14. Creating boundaries where needed

I've spent a lot of time discussing how to cultivate meaningful relationships, but that's not everything. Relationships have boundaries that must be determined in order to ensure clarity and limit confusion. Amma has taught me that at times, these boundaries might need reassessment or they might need to be explicitly expressed. That's okay! Boundaries don't have to imply discomfort. Over the years, I've seen Amma use boundaries as a part of keeping relationships healthy. I am thankful to have learned this lesson, as I can keep incorporating the necessary boundaries into the numerous relationships with people around me.

15. Disagreeing with respect and grace

I would say that this lesson is somewhat connected to #12 (respecting others, regardless of age) since they are both related to the idea of giving and taking respect. Over the years, I have watched Amma during instances where she must politely disagree. The person who shared their opinion might be someone who Amma cannot completely dismiss and if there is no need to disagree profusely, why do so? If a civilized counterargument isn't helping them understand your take, it is best to respect the differences at stake and move on gracefully. Rather than argue further, I have learned from Amma that it's more appropriate to express that you value their opinion, which they are entitled to, just as you are. Highlighting these ideas in such situations doesn't make the other person feel unheard. It just takes a small issue to burn bridges, but it's not as easy to build or rebuild those channels of communication. Keeping this in mind, keeping disagreements respectful whenever possible is most sustainable!

16. Acknowledging mistakes

One of the biggest lessons I learned from Amma when I was a kid was the art of apologizing. I have to admit I still haven't mastered it, but I have understood what the essential concepts of this idea are. As with all kids, there were times when I would do something a little troublesome like not finishing my food or slacking on keeping my room tidy. When I would need to apologize, the instinctual response would be a meekly delivered "Sorry." But, Amma being Amma would not accept that as an actual apology. She would always follow up with the question, "For what?", and expect a reply. I would then add to my initial sorry the reason I was in this situation in the first place. When I was younger, I would just think it was an additional step that wasn't really relevant. After all, Amma knows exactly what I did wrong. So, why have me express it in words? Then, over the years, I understood that the process of acknowledging what went wrong in the apology itself helps us comprehend the lesson to be learned a little better. I would be lying if I said that I would never make the same mistake again, but it definitely made it harder to forget that it's wrong. I've learned a great deal from these experiences and see value in properly constructed apologies, as otherwise, mistakes are far more meaningless.

17. Prioritizing family

Family first. In our family, there's no meeting, social engagement, product, or anything else that can supersede the importance of keeping family as the first priority in life. Amma has definitely spearheaded this effort. There have been many times I have seen Amma forget about her own needs and goals to be there for her family in times of need. She does not see it as a struggle, but instead expresses her gratitude for being able to be with family when needed. Amma has rubbed off this ideology on me as well. Although it isn't always easy for me to work around situations where I might have to move things around to make room for family, Amma has instilled in me the belief that it's always worth it. To this day, that's worked out well for me and it has definitely paid off in the long run to prioritize family. I still have a lot to learn from Amma on how she is able to selflessly contribute her whole self to her family every day, but I am blessed to start learning this lesson early!

18. Having realistic beauty standards

Today, we see a lot of conversations about what beauty is. There is so much conflict between the beauty standards promoted by the often doctored images on billboards and magazines around us and the bodies of real people in the world. Many people my age or younger struggle with body image issues due to the unrealistic beauty standards that are often pushed on them. Thankfully, one of the many useful lessons Amma has taught me is to be comfortable with my own body. Amma never imposed any of the stereotypical expectations of what beauty means on me. In fact, she also taught me that one shouldn't judge others based on how they look. One person's idea of gorgeousness might not be another person's ideal. Beauty truly does lie in the eyes of the beholder. Bearing that in mind, I think I am lucky to have the self-confidence to be proud of how I look. I am also grateful to be taught that each person is beautiful in their own way. I have learned from Amma that comparing oneself or others to the concepts of beauty in the media isn't a fruitful endeavor.

19. Celebrating birthdays meaningfully

Last, but certainly not least, my concept of birthday celebrations is also something Amma has influenced me in. In our family, we don't really do elaborate parties or give over-the-top gifts. While some people might enjoy that (I do too at times), I've imbibed the idea that keeping birthdays intimate as much as possible is a beautiful experience. A meal with loved ones or a family trip to a beautiful place are some great ways to celebrate birthdays. This is how Amma and Achan have celebrated my birthdays with me from when I was born. I am so thankful to have those memories with them and other family members. Birthdays are reminders that life should be celebrated - not just a few days with special occasions. Like Amma, I love spending birthdays soaking in all the love I'm blessed to have around me. The sweet and close-knit family time is irreplaceable and a wonderfully meaningful way to celebrate the day you came into existence. Today, on Amma's birthday, that's the plan we have yet again and I am ever so grateful for it!

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That was definitely a long post, but I still don't think it does enough justice to what Amma means to me. It also leaves so many lessons that I haven't been able to cover. Regardless, I wanted this post to be here as a memory of Amma's birthday this year and more importantly, a reminder for me. A reminder of some of the lessons we both hold close to our hearts. This list is something I can return to when I need a refresher on the areas I need to improve on. It's also a reminder of so many years of parenting that my parents have gone through to get me to where I am today. I know it's a cliché statement, but honestly, if I can do 50% of the things my parents have done and continue to do for my kids when I am a parent someday, I would be extremely happy.

Coming back to Amma specifically, I am excited to spend our 20th year together. I hope to spend another year looking at my mother with starry eyes, constantly astonished by everything she has done and keeps doing. I will use her persistent drive to keep learning as an inspiration to keep pursuing my education. I look forward to waking up to many more mornings complete with her warm smile and greeting, making the lengthy to-do list of assignments and other tasks seem a lot more bearable. I can't wait to cook and eat more delicious food together! Most importantly, I would like to say a big thank you in my prayers today for giving me my Amma. In addition, I also pray that Amma has a year filled with peace, love, good health, joy, togetherness, and soulful experiences.

Amma, as you read this, here's to another year around the sun and an eternity of you being at the heart of Achan and my lives. I love you x infinity (as you can tell, I've been doing my math homework :) ). Happy Birthday, dearest Amma!