Tales to Treasure: A Remembrance of Beloved Appuppan

Today (January 17, 2022), marks the first anniversary of the day my grandfather left us. Appuppan, as I call him, was more than just my grandfather. He was a best friend, guide, and hero all rolled into one person. Through all the different stages in my life so far, Appuppan remained one of my key constants and pillars of strength. Consequently, the fact that he wouldn’t be physically present in our world anymore created a gaping hole in the world that my family and I call home. At first, it seemed like the days ahead would be impossible to endure. But, as the proverb goes: “Time and tide wait for no man.” Hours became days, days rolled into weeks, and weeks grew into months. Although we cannot stop missing those we lose, time helps put into context that life must go on as we try to find them in ways beyond just their physical form.

The past year gave me plenty of time to reflect on my life with Appuppan being a central figure in it. I don’t exaggerate when I write that not a day goes by without thinking of him at least once. Oftentimes, it is not a conscious effort to recollect a memory of a time we spent together. It just happens to be that Appuppan has influenced almost every facet of my life in one way or the other. From the art he used to make on his plate using chutney to the countless pens he has given me, there’s always something I see or do in a day that automatically takes me back to a moment with Appuppan. This can result in one or more of several reactions. Sometimes, it’s a laugh or smile. At other times, tears are shed. Every so often, the memory seamlessly blends in with whatever is happening around, blurring the lines between the past and the present. These moments are my favorite because they make me feel like Appuppan is here.

Beyond all of this, whenever I think of Appuppan, what comes to mind is a collection of stories - ones he has shared, what we have experienced together, and the ones we planned for. Whether it be during the long FaceTime calls or a meal, Appuppan always had a story to tell. Some were fiction that engrossed the child in me, while others were real-life experiences he recollected that offered a lot of lessons to embrace. Amma (my mother) and I particularly loved hearing Appuppan’s stories. An expert raconteur, Appuppan was compelling in telling these stories. He drew you in and kept your attention using his fantastic memory of details. There was always a hidden lesson waiting to be found. At times, I could pick up on these myself, but during other times, Amma would help me understand what I needed to know.

As we honor Appuppan’s memory and legacy, I thought it would be nice to recollect some of my memories and stories of the times I shared with my dear grandfather. To be fair, I must say that my storytelling abilities do not come near that of Appuppan (or Amma, who has fortunately inherited this mesmerizing ability). However, I will try my best to share a few of the countless moments engraved in my memory as they relate to some of the qualities I find in Appuppan as a person.

Generosity

Over the years, I’ve been lucky to meet and hear from many people who knew my grandfather in different ways. Some of them knew him as family, others as friends of varying capacities. Regardless of how they met or interacted with him, there’s always one thing they can agree on - Appuppan’s generosity. From sharing meals to helping raise those who fall, there was no limit to the extent Appuppan was willing to go to help out when needed. I like to think that this trait caused Appuppan to touch many lives, and by doing good, he was able to attract good towards himself. In other words, he generated a lot of good karma by being genuine and generous.

I was a frequent recipient of this generosity as well. I cannot think of anything that I’ve ever desired (knowingly or unknowingly) in Appuppan’s presence that he hasn’t gotten for me. Sure, much of those desires came from the simplicity of a child’s mind, but still, I am always astonished at how Appuppan managed to pull this off. One instance that immediately comes to mind when thinking about this is a story that goes back to when I was in first grade. The school that I went to during this time had a very special tree near my classroom. In Malayalam, it is called the “manjadi” tree and it produces a seed called the manjadikuru (“kuru” means seed) or circassian seeds. According to belief, the tree and the seeds it produces are considered good luck (learn more at this link). Keeping this in mind, many of my classmates and I would find much joy in going on small treasure hunts to find these seeds. The fascinating appearance of the seeds with it’s red glossy exterior and brown interior made the quest even more worthwhile. To me, they resembled M&M’s, except one cannot eat them! We would often try to finish our lunch as quickly as possible so we could spend the rest of the available time doing fun things like playing games and finding these coveted seeds. I would place the precious seeds into the deep pockets of my uniform and save them to show Amma once I got home.

One day, Appuppan got to know about my budding collection of manjadikuru. He was happy to see my joy in finding the seeds. Along with Amma and Ammumma (my grandmother), he told me about the significance of the lucky seeds in Kerala culture and how they were considered beloved by Lord Krishna. I loved hearing about this and it made the seeds even more special in my eyes. I hoped that with time, I could significantly expand my collection by finding a few at school each day.

The next day, following my conversation with Appuppan, I came home from school to find an unusual package waiting to be opened. It was large and when Amma and I opened it, there it was - a huge bag of perfectly red manjadikurus. I was so surprised and overjoyed. From just finding a couple each day, I could see hundreds of the shiny seeds all together for the first time. It turned out that after hearing about my fascination with manjadikurus, Appuppan wanted to make sure I had more of them than I ever dreamed of. To this day, at home, we have a Kava bowl full of the delightful seeds in front of our Krishna painting. Each time I see it, I am reminded of Appuppan’s generosity and how much he cared about making others around him happy. Even though I have so many manjadikurus at home thanks to Appuppan, I still try to collect them when I see them - after all, they are considered good luck charms!

As the years went by, I would continue to be overwhelmed by Appuppan’s generous actions. From making a lot of sometimes unnecessary (but fun) purchases on Amazon together to the bundles of yummy food Appuppan used to bring home (many of which Appuppan doesn’t eat himself), there was always abundance when it came to Appuppan. Even in 2020, during the peak of Covid and his health challenges, Appuppan personally oversaw the preparation of four different kinds of kichadi (a yogurt-based dish in Kerala) for us to try purely because I very briefly mentioned that it is one of my favorite items in a sadhya. They were simply delicious, but more than filling my stomach, they filled my heart. They reminded me, once again, of how big Appuppan’s heart truly is and how much happiness he found in bringing others happiness. These are just a few small examples of what Appuppan has done to make my life fuller and more beautiful.

Patience

Appuppan had the patience every grandchild would wish their grandfather had. As I grow older, I think back to all the different things I would ask Appuppan to do with me as a kid and, amazingly, Appuppan was patient enough to play along. Unknown to the outside world, after much persuasion, he’d allow me to use Ammumma’s makeup to play dress-up with him. As a young girl and only child, that was more fun than I could handle. He would even let me try my hand at hairstyling. For someone who cared very much about being presentable at all times and a glamorous individual in his own right, that must have taken a lot of patience to endure with a smile on his face. On other days, Appuppan would be my TV buddy as I watched all the princess movies and rewatched Home Alone for the hundredth time! Being someone who ardently followed the news and spent much time watching it, I can only imagine the amount of patience it would have taken Appuppan to sit through those moments endearingly. As the years progressed and my parents and I moved around the world, he would patiently wait for our FaceTime calls even at late hours in the night to make sure we landed safely or to talk about the day’s happenings. Never once did I see him yawn or be dismissive in these instances. Even if he was silently listening to what we said, we knew he was present. Appuppan’s patience has touched our lives in more ways than one and as a granddaughter, I am ever grateful for it.

Balance

Appuppan also taught me a lot about balancing life between having attention to detail and letting go when needed. Throughout my life, I’ve seen Appuppan show by example that it is entirely possible to be a perfectionist when something matters to you, but let go when times demand it.

In many ways, Appuppan was perhaps one of the most meticulous people I know. Back when I was in school in India, Appuppan would always be the person who wrapped my books (a common practice to keep them from getting worn out throughout the academic year). He knew how to wrap them to perfection. Meanwhile, whenever I had a present to open, Appuppan would always tell me to be careful not to rip open the wrapping paper. He would undo one piece of tape at a time and often used to save the paper itself. When I think of it now, it is possible that Appuppan felt this way because he knew the effort and precision that went into wrapping it in the first place. These days, Achan (my father) and I get the same advice from Amma when we have the urge to quickly open an envelope or gift.

Appuppan also was a meticulous record keeper. From preserving old pictures to filing important documents, Appuppan took pride in his ability to stay organized and be alert. Yet, one of the biggest lessons Appuppan has taught has been that despite being this way, it is essential to know when to let go. I learned this lesson through Amma, who did so from Appuppan. The philosophy starts with the fact that some days, no matter how much you try your best at everything, things may not go as planned. From waking up in the morning to find something missing or broken to finding bad news written all over the day’s events, it’s safe to say that we all go through such days at some point or the other. Rather than feeling defeated in those moments, it’s important to recognize that some days are meant for letting go and taking a back seat. It is important to note that, on the contrary, there are days when you put in the least effort, and things go well anyway. Sure, some instances are time-sensitive, when letting go isn’t an option. However, more often than not, it’s best to take it easy on days that things aren’t going as planned. I find this philosophy to work for me a lot of times and I’m grateful that Appuppan passed this lesson down to Amma and then me. Finding the balance between being someone who cares about the details and a person who has the wisdom to take a step back is the key to finding much of life’s fulfillment.

Love

One of the qualities that I appreciate the most about Appuppan is his ability to love. He expressed his love for different people in different ways. But, the relationship that I loved watching the most was the one between Appuppan and Ammumma. The love they had for each other throughout the decades they spent together is more special than words can express. I’ve never seen them apart and even though they weren’t the most vocal about their love, you could see it shine bright through their actions - both big and small. Whether it be how Ammumma would wait for Appuppan to return home to eat together or how Appuppan would spend time taking pictures of Ammumma all dressed up before she left for special occasions, they were constantly prioritizing one another. Over the years, they shared cheerful laughs and subtle glances of strength that got them through the ups and downs of life. As parents and grandparents, Ammumma and Appuppan showered unconditional love and cultivated a haven for us. Ammumma and Appuppan were one unit, as they completed each other. Even until his last breath, Ammumma was always by Appuppan’s side and Appuppan was always watching out for Ammumma.

When I consider my love for Appuppan, it’s hard to entirely explain it in words. However, every time I think of it, I am reminded of one of the several stories Appuppan told me as a kid - The Princess Who Loved Her Father Like Salt. The story is popular in folklore across different parts of the world with varied details. However, the general plot that I remember is as follows. Once there was a king who asked his seven daughters how much they loved him. The first six of them gave answers that expressed their love for him in terms of sweets, desserts, and jewels. The seventh daughter gave an answer that was quite shocking not only to the king but also to the little version of myself who was hearing this story for the first time. The daughter said, “I love you as much as [I love] salt.” The king was furious that this daughter of his only loved him as much as mere salt and therefore decided to banish her from the kingdom. In a series of events that follow, the daughter finds her path but is determined to prove what she meant to her father. When she is finally able to get her father and family to attend her wedding to a prince, she makes sure that her father and sisters only eat food without salt for the whole week. Soon, they get so tired of the tastelessness and blandness. At the end of the week, she finally serves them a meal that has salt. At this moment, the king realizes what his daughter meant all along. Salt is so invaluable and most food is flavorless without it. When I heard this, I was very enlightened. Simple things in life, like salt, can hold much meaning. Sometimes, when you love someone very much, making grand statements and gestures may not be truthful. We can live without many of the luxuries that we associate with expressing love. But, love lies in the simple things. This is what I feel when I think of Appuppan - the love that my family and I feel for him isn’t rooted in grandiose facades but rather composes the simplicity of pure, unconditional love.

Legacy

Life without Appuppan has been different to say the least and even though life will never quite be the same, the innumerable memories, few of which I’ve shared in this reflection, live on to bring us warmth. On this note, the final story that I’d like to share is one that took place after Appuppan’s physical presence with us. In the days after his passing, several customs took place. One of the important rituals takes place on the 41st day following the departure. During this day, family members complete rituals and make an offering to a particular kind of crow (“kaaka” in Malayalam) called the “Bali Kaaka” (similar to a raven). It is believed that ancestors and those who are no longer with us take food through these particular crows. As we were proceeding to make our offerings on the 41st day, something very special happened to me. For a split of a second, I could feel one such crow’s wings stroke the top of my head in the most gentle way like Appuppan would with his hands. It was very unexpected, considering what a crowded place it was. Furthermore, I was surprised as to how soft that touch was. Although it could certainly be that the Bali Kaaka was flying lower than usual for other reasons, at that moment, I believe this was a sign from Appuppan that he is watching over us. In fact, as we were leaving, Amma and I came across several beautiful manjadikurus laying on the ground. As always, we brought a few home to add to our collection. It was a time that I needed the reassuring comfort that Appuppan is indeed looking over us. For this, I am eternally grateful.

In the past year, I’ve realized that Appuppan lives on in not only the memories of the times we shared, but also the people around me. I feel Appuppan when I talk to Ammumma. I hear Appuppan in the voices of my mother and my aunts. I see Appuppan in my cousins, Appuppan’s side of the family, and myself. Most importantly, I experience Appuppan’s legacy whenever I hear from the people whose lives he has touched. Right now, I imagine that Appuppan is in a better place, in a world beyond what I know. Over the past year and the time to come, I am sure he is collecting lots of stories to tell us when we meet again. Until then, I have complete faith that he is continuing to watch over us and bless our lives. By believing in this, I hope to take on the years to come by doing what Appuppan did best - spreading love, light, and joy.